Redefining/Redesigning

One piece at a time I examine thoughts and beliefs compared to everyday incidents of discomfort and discontent. There is a part of myself that has reached out to others to help or sustain them in times of challenge. My son, Eric has repeatedly condemned this behavior saying I need only to consider myself. I blow this off as a matter of inexperienced youth. As he ages he continues to stand on this issue as always. I too, maintain the world to be a better place due to the actions or inaction of people like me.

I do not play God thinking I am saving someone from themselves like I did in the beginning. I have discovered I do not have the capability of over-riding any ones decision to live their lives as they wish or deny them their self defeating behavior. I learned some real HARD lessons in that department. For example, my Mother,Wanieta Mae Lee:

A beautiful woman with black hair, dark skin, and snappy dark eyes. Her wit was charming but rugged. She loved in a very untypical way that was often confused by those who wish always to condemn. Being born as her uncles child, created an unfair pessimism in her life through her mothers anger and phobias. I am sure her wit had become a way of survival. Many were those who loved her.  Rarely did she complain but rather stated the undeniable truths in a very simple but cynical(hilarious)way. Though tough, she occasionally cried. It tore me apart to see her cry. I depended on her to make me feel safe. She had been beaten, abused, and crucified by do-gooders when she finally gave up and divorced this man. Alone to raise 5 children on welfare, she became a target for men that were discontent in their marriages. Many men tried to take advantage. She became known to be a little promiscuous(slutty) more for what she DID NOT put out than what she did. I believe it was a ploy of the white male to keep her in her womanly place and dependant.  Finally she found the ONE MAN who treated her with dignity and respect. He brought out from her a beauty unmatched by the common women of that era. Her love was so beautiful! This came crashing in when Mike was murdered by her X husband. The eventual outcome of all this was a life full of pain(never complained). I encouraged her to see a doctor saying, " You may die".  Her response was, "Did you ever think that might be what I want?"  It was not long after she came to me at work with my 3 year old in tow. She was very ill and I had to leave work to drive her home. On the way home I again tried to get her to see a doctor and she refused. I said, "Fine, I am taking you to the doctor and there is nothing you can do about it!" As she died in that moment her voice echoed out my name.

After a long recovery I had learned a huge lesson from my mother. It still makes me smile to this day. She taught me that I cannot control other people. I really feel this was her final way(harsh way) of getting across to me I cannot make her decisions for her.

The past with it's tower of lies

I recently discovered that everything I believe in is a lie. The history I have come accustomed to is all a big fat lie! Bad thing? Good thing? Who knows? What do you do when you question everything you have come to KNOW for sure?  I mean, was Columbus really a child molester? Or was it just consensual sex with a 14 year old?

Since 9/11 I have noticed this horrible event not only has taken place in the physical but soon to follow it became evident that the twin tower of my own life had been shattered. Exploded into the ether were all my beliefs. Everything I had been taught fell into the rubble at ground zero. Of more concern to me though were the effects of the poison that has spread to those who have risk their lives to clean it up. As an American, I still pay for that day. Fear, stagnation, agoraphobia, predominate my inner life.

On the brighter side is the beautiful sunshine caught streaming between the towers shortly before the attack.  My mind has come alive and I see things I was not able to see before. I am developing a new understanding of myself, my life, and the world.